Kathy

They brought her in
Through the hard wood double doors
She had a hard expression stamped on her face
That seemed out of place for the occasion
Almost as if she wanted to be there
It softened a tiny bit with the blast of the air conditioner
Melted for half a moment
Only to dry, thickening cement, the next
I don't remember
If I ever knew
Who piloted her into that cold room
Who held the handles of the wheel chair that had replaced her legs
But I do recall how they set her in a corner
The better to survey the gathering
She divided every man and woman, young and old
Into two factions
Friend
Foe
I knew exactly where I stood in that division
With the majority
And she made a scene when she saw me
Impotent to rise and look me in the face (as if she would have)
Crippled
Pathetic
As the words I don't remember and the way she spoke them...
It wasn't the time or the place
So the two factions splintered into four, eight, sixteen, thirty-two...
Some converted
To leave her alone with her blood
And the ghost of the man
She
Unknowingly
Killed

It doesn't take a weapon to kill a man
No accident, cancer, water, gravity, fire
Age
Her petty selfishness squeezed his heart
And her unreasonable ultimatums broke it
All that was left was to wait and see
How long it would take the poison to do it's work
As it turned out, it didn't take long

And I don't doubt that she cried
She was too stupid to realize what she'd done
She had no idea what she was doing
And I don't doubt she loved him
In her own possessive, dominating way
It hadn't seemed to bother him
And I don't doubt that she grieved bitterly
She wasn't made of stone
You don't just piss away so many years
And I don't doubt that she missed him with time
For he was good to her
Much better than she deserved
But I doubt she thought of him
In her final dying days

The last time I saw her
She was stranded by the check-out counters in a Wal-Mart store
Tethered to the slick plastic seat of the wheelchair she'd accepted
Her pilot had gone off, maybe to the restroom
Maybe to fetch some powdered donuts forgotten on the grocery list
For whatever reason
She was left there, alone, solitary
Looking around the place like a curious turtle
Slow, halted by time
All alone
An island abandoned
Left to her own company
All alone
A sad, ridiculous sight
Soon enough cut down

She left a lot to be forgiven for
The heavy weight of anger eventually
Became too much for me to bear
For him, for myself, not for her
I stood on that sacred ground
I touched the stone
I said, "For you, for you alone
I will let it go
I will let it go"

Mistake

Now
I'm stuck in a moment,
Ashamed, Repentant,
That forgiveness would have spared
A chance to be the better man
But a foolish impulse shut it out
A self-satisfied second of self-assurance
Believing I was justified
I was satisfied to speak my mind
Not wanting to care but almost knowing
How deluded it was
Incapable of seeing anything else besides
What I wanted to see

Time crawls slowly on
Giving birth to more and more moments
I will soon enough break free of this one
To leave my transgressions behind
Consigning them to forgetfulness
The usual procedure
I will become unstuck from this one

None of it is so heavy a stone
That will and the need to move on
Cannot roll away

So I prepare to forget
The thoughtlessness of my actions
As I resolve never to look back
In this moment
I would have you know
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I would hope you forget
Leaving you behind
Won't be any easier knowing
You already have

Forgotten

Burning Bridges

Everything's out now
In the air, in the open
On the table
Spilling over the sides
More to come
Still, I'm just not sure this was the right way to go about it

I want to take some back
Though it felt so cathartic to unload
The empty space vacated
Is hungry for the secrets I've given away
The fresh void
Craves the pampered memories
The lost recollections that once glowed with shame
I miss the skeletons I've evicted from my soul closet
Recklessly disassembled
Tossed out with no rhyme or reason
Onto this pyre
Too late to turn back now, I've already lit the fire
I could reach in, perhaps
Sacrifice fingers or hands to retrieve precious few
But which ones?
Would they be enough to fill the churning stomach?
Would I grow to resent them for the ones that weren't chosen?
No...best to let them all burn with limbs and digits intact

The excavation process seemed so simple at the time
Heavy weights lifted from my shoulders
The promise of a bright and shining future
Unburdened by revelation I thought I could offer
So sure it would change lives, not the least of which
My own
How naïve to believe
It was worth anything in the first place
It belonged with the dancing skeletons
In the hole with the transparent ghosts of guilt
Evil twin, doppelganger of gravity
To pull me down into sinful reality

I loved them all

I still do
Though I'm quite sure I've murdered them
They will never die
My salvation comes only in the knowledge
That they belong to the past,
Unable to survive outside of the paradigm in which they are imprisoned,
And that it is my very nature
As a human being
To live in the present moment
In which they have no power

Parade of Fools

Maybe I watch these fools
Because I want to believe
Or because I hold out hope
That one has a word of truth
For me
I've always been disappointed before
But I'm willing to accept a miracle
Were it offered
I have a gut feeling
These fools won't be the ones with that gift
To give

So what, then? Why?
Why do I turn up my nose and
Level a sharp cynical stare
At these snake charming hucksters?
I know all they do
I perceive their intention
I hear the lulling lilt of the seducer's song
That rolls like fragrant incense
From their serpent-tongue mouths
Lips chapped and bleeding
I smell the stench of their breath

All have eyes to see
All have ears to hear
Still the blind lead the blind
Their hands deep in pockets

The damage done
I sit and stare without guilt
Because I love to see the deceiver in action
All the better I'll be able to recognize him
When he comes knocking at my door