behind me...

Ashamed of what's behind me
Afraid of what lies ahead
I should find comfort
In the moment between
Where judgment has been passed
Where innocence is restored
I would find faith in that span
If I only knew what faith is
For I find myself begging for forgiveness
For sins I've already begged forgiveness for
In so doing I testify
My unbelief
My unwavering suspicion that none can be forgiven
Even by You
Even if I were to convince myself
That forgiving is not the same as forgetting
I would still blame You
For tying guilt to the memories
And giving  me the strength to dredge them up
From the well of experience
Where iniquity floats
While joy sinks
So deep, deeper still, lost, never mine
With the understanding of repentance
As stuffed as a shadow
Yet heavier than stone
You know, You know
I don't even know what it is
So how can I be saved?
How can I be saved from this awful moment?
Where the great I AM dwells
While I am pulled back by devil's lies
Counting out time, waiting
For the glorious moment
When I can slash that coil I'm tethered with
To sink down, deep, deeper still
Until murky water is air to still lungs
All I see, all I know, all I've ever known, everything I might have known
Will be shuffled off like a thick coat on a summer's afternoon
And this hope will be tested
My question answered, are hope and faith one and the same?
I hope so.
I have faith it is so.